Most people who go through a divorce will need to downsize since it’s the very rare scenario that someone will be able to move into a nicer or bigger home. Definitely not if you’re going through a divorce in San Diego.
When I went through the downsizing process myself, I was lucky. As a senior move manager, I had experience helping our senior client’s downsize. I knew what to expect.
Last week I threw away my Girl Scout sash, my prom corsage, and various other things I’d held onto from my childhood. As I prepare to move out of our family home, I have the opportunity to re-visit my childhood, identify the items that are most important and give my daughters the opportunity to claim my belongings while I am alive and healthy.
I started Silver Linings Transitions, as a senior move management company but started helping divorcing clients with their moves when I realized divorcing people face similar emotional challenges and are also likely downsizing. Like the clients we work with, I am having to sort through a lifetime of belongings and determine which items I’ll keep and which I’ll need to discard. Going through my belongings brings up a mix of emotions but certainly is part of giving up on the life I expected to have.
With both personal and professional experience, I wanted to share some key things I’ve learned along the way. These tips interweave, the current trend of “Swedish Death Cleaning” (from Swedish words meaning ‘standing” and “death“) emerging as a result of adult children facing the task of going through their parents belongings (after a death or when the parents are downsizing) and realizing they don’t want to leave the daunting task to their own children.
So here are some tips to get started:
1. Make sure all of your passwords and usernames are written down and in one place. Remember to let somebody know how to access this information. There are sites that will store your passwords like LastPass which offers a free version.
2. Go through your belongings and do a photographic inventory of anything you want to go to loved ones. As someone who had a personal experience after my grandmother’s sudden death, leaving clear direction will save your grieving loved ones from many unnecessary battles. Make sure you make notes about any items of value so they can be sold for their value and won’t be accidentally discarded. There are software programs likes Fairsplit.com you can use to create these inventories and assign belongings.
Make sure and visit storage units and attics and include these items in the inventory.
3. Begin to “re-gift” belongings. If you are going to someone’s home and would normally take a hostess gift, thoughtfully consider bringing a token of your affection from your personal belongings rather than spending money.
4. When going through your belongings, consider this criteria:
Will anyone be happier because I saved it? Rather than put items in the garbage, send old letters or photos to childhood friends who will undoubtedly appreciate the trip down memory lane. I recently attended my 30th high school reunion and there was a table set up for people to share items. I also photographed old letters and sent them via email.
Would I be okay if someone found or read this? If there is something you aren’t ready to get rid of but don’t necessarily want someone going through it, create a box marked “Private: Please discard without opening the contents.”
5. If you are holding onto something because you think it’s valuable, do some research. I held onto a Guess jean jacket I’d purchased in 1985 for $85. I almost refused to allow my daughter to take it to sleep away camp until I looked it up on Ebay and discovered it was only worth $35.
6. Make the process an event inviting loved ones to participate. You and they will appreciate the opportunity to learn more about each other and what your life may have been like in your youth.
7. When I speak to groups of people who are now grandparents, I encourage them to consider the the belongings they’ve been storing for adult children and determine whether or not the adult child has any intention of taking it. I went through my childhood bedroom in Florida a year ago and traveled home with many of the things I’d held onto. After shipping them across country, my girls didn’t want any of it.
8. If you have high school students, have them do their own version of Swedish Death Cleaning. It helps them prioritize, frees up space and is a wonderful opportunity to reminisce about their childhood.
9. When going through your belongings and you start dividing belongings think about “malignant memories”. If it doesn’t make you feel good or brings back painful memories. Give it away or pack it away so it’s out of site.
10. Don’t divide your belongings in a punitive way. Many clients want to “get even.” Unless you feel very strongly about the item or it holds strong sentimental value, in the long run you’ll be so much happier if you “let it go” and save yourself for the things that really matter.
Anything we do proactively is going to be less stressful. Taking charge of your life, your belongings and on your terms will have an impact.